There has been a recent push to get more people to ride their bikes to work.
To that I say: put the brakes on, honey!
The truth is that influential people are all getting into bed with the Big Bike industry. Despite how uncomfortable that must be, they continue to push for people to get exercise outside by biking to work, but at what cost? Here are 7 reasons breaking down why you shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving your bike to rust in the garage.
1. Riding Your Bike Is Dangerous
People will try to tell you to find a route with less traffic or to be a defensive biker, but forget all of that. There are more distracted drivers every day, texting on their cellphones and weaving in and out of bike lanes. Your brittle human body needs to be encased in 3 tons of metal, hurtling down the road at breakneck speeds, so that you can text and drive with the best of them.
2. You Will Reek
Ew, you are really going to go into work after SWEATING like an ANIMAL?! It’s not like you can carry a change of clothes in your backpack, or splash around in the sink (again, like an animal!) Everyone knows that deodorant is only meant for the mad sprint down the hall when Katie announces that there are extra treats in the breakroom.
3. You Will Look Bad
Since no one else will tell you, I will: in addition to the smell, you will look like a love letter from an angsty teen– crumpled up and thrown on the floor. This is a professional environment, where you should be wearing a suit from the second you step into the building until the moment you get home. Changing in a restroom is not an option– someone might realize that you broke this cardinal rule. My friend Jessie left her office clothes at work to change into. I should say ex-friend. The workplace is not a wardrobe, Jessie!
4. It’s More Work
They call it a “work-out” for a reason. Do you really want to work more hours in a day than you really have to? I don’t see you clocking in the extra hour your commute takes you. Why in the world would you work if you aren’t going to get paid for it? Just wait for the one day a year where they hand out a prize for biking to work. External validation is the only kind you need.
5. The Europeans Do It
There are entire cities in Europe where bicycles are king. “Respectable” business people ride into work in skirts, suits, and all manner of business attire. Frankly, I don’t know how we’re supposed to tell if they are actually respectable if they aren’t driving a Lexus or Audi, but I digress. The important thing here is that if people in Europe do it, then it is probably SOCIALIST, and therefore evil. What next, we follow in their footsteps with affordable healthcare, to pay for all of those people riding bikes perilously in the streets?
6. It’s Boring
Entertainment is the most critical part of your commute. To have a pure podcast or audiobook-listening experience, you need a stereo. Bicyclists have a much harder time hearing over the sounds of nature and wind blowing through their hair.
At least when you are driving you can make funny acronyms out of the license plate that is inching along in front of you in traffic. When you bike, the winding footpaths and bustling urban centers force your mind to wander from what is truly important: all the stuff you need to worry about today.
7. It’s A Cult
Cycopaths are sure to brag how many miles they biked, posting pictures online and high fiving each other. It’s like all those endorphins go straight to their head. But look, if you can’t keep up with them, don’t bother trying. It’s best to be perfect right away, so if you can’t bike a hundred kilometers on your first ride, just give up. Let the gearheads keep their head in the clouds while the rest of us keep our feet planted firmly on the brake.
The result is clear: no amount of smiles per mile is worth the drudgery of biking to work. From risking your life to the impossibilities of dealing with sweat, wrinkled clothing, and rain, there are hundreds of excuses for you to quit.
So next time anyone tries to tell you how ‘awesome’ and ‘freeing’ it is to ride– let them know they have been brainwashed by Big Bike’s socialist agenda. If they don’t believe you, share these 7 inarguable reasons to stop riding to work completely.