7 Reasons You Need to Stop Riding Your Bike To Work

There has been a recent push to get more people to ride their bikes to work.

To that I say: put the brakes on, honey!

The truth is that influential people are all getting into bed with the Big Bike industry. Despite how uncomfortable that must be, they continue to push for people to get exercise outside by biking to work, but at what cost? Here are 7 reasons breaking down why you shouldn’t feel guilty for leaving your bike to rust in the garage.

a disassembled bike with all of the pieces laid out on the floor
Let’s break it down.

1. Riding Your Bike Is Dangerous

People will try to tell you to find a route with less traffic or to be a defensive biker, but forget all of that. There are more distracted drivers every day, texting on their cellphones and weaving in and out of bike lanes. Your brittle human body needs to be encased in 3 tons of metal, hurtling down the road at breakneck speeds, so that you can text and drive with the best of them.

2. You Will Reek

Ew, you are really going to go into work after SWEATING like an ANIMAL?! It’s not like you can carry a change of clothes in your backpack, or splash around in the sink (again, like an animal!) Everyone knows that deodorant is only meant for the mad sprint down the hall when Katie announces that there are extra treats in the breakroom.

3. You Will Look Bad

Since no one else will tell you, I will: in addition to the smell, you will look like a love letter from an angsty teen– crumpled up and thrown on the floor. This is a professional environment, where you should be wearing a suit from the second you step into the building until the moment you get home. Changing in a restroom is not an option– someone might realize that you broke this cardinal rule. My friend Jessie left her office clothes at work to change into. I should say ex-friend. The workplace is not a wardrobe, Jessie!

In addition to the smell, you will look like a love letter from an angsty teen-- crumpled up and thrown on the floor. Click To Tweet

4. It’s More Work

They call it a “work-out” for a reason. Do you really want to work more hours in a day than you really have to? I don’t see you clocking in the extra hour your commute takes you.  Why in the world would you work if you aren’t going to get paid for it? Just wait for the one day a year where they hand out a prize for biking to work. External validation is the only kind you need.

5. The Europeans Do It

There are entire cities in Europe where bicycles are king. “Respectable” business people ride into work in skirts, suits, and all manner of business attire. Frankly, I don’t know how we’re supposed to tell if they are actually respectable if they aren’t driving a Lexus or Audi, but I digress. The important thing here is that if people in Europe do it, then it is probably SOCIALIST, and therefore evil. What next, we follow in their footsteps with affordable healthcare, to pay for all of those people riding bikes perilously in the streets?

6. It’s Boring

Entertainment is the most critical part of your commute. To have a pure podcast or audiobook-listening experience, you need a stereo. Bicyclists have a much harder time hearing over the sounds of nature and wind blowing through their hair.

At least when you are driving you can make funny acronyms out of the license plate that is inching along in front of you in traffic. When you bike, the winding footpaths and bustling urban centers force your mind to wander from what is truly important: all the stuff you need to worry about today.

7. It’s A Cult

Cycopaths are sure to brag how many miles they biked, posting pictures online and high fiving each other. It’s like all those endorphins go straight to their head. But look, if you can’t keep up with them, don’t bother trying. It’s best to be perfect right away, so if you can’t bike a hundred kilometers on your first ride, just give up. Let the gearheads keep their head in the clouds while the rest of us keep our feet planted firmly on the brake.

Conclusion

The result is clear: no amount of smiles per mile is worth the drudgery of biking to work. From risking your life to the impossibilities of dealing with sweat, wrinkled clothing, and rain, there are hundreds of excuses for you to quit.

So next time anyone tries to tell you how ‘awesome’ and ‘freeing’ it is to ride– let them know they have been brainwashed by Big Bike’s socialist agenda. If they don’t believe you, share these 7 inarguable reasons to stop riding to work completely.

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27 Comments

  1. Haha…took me a minute to catch on, but this is great.

    I will say though – the States is pretty lacking compared to Europe in terms of bike friendliness. Where I live, bike lanes are almost nonexistent. :\

    1. It’s true, we need to up our game. Unfortunately, the fewer bikers we have on the roads, the less likely there are going to be movements for more bike safety. It’s like a bad chicken and egg cycle. I heard my city was considering making downtown a no-car zone, which would be phenomenal for bikers, pedestrians, and public transit in the congested areas. You could drive to the edge of town and then bike in. I hope this will be seriously considered by more cities!

  2. “Everyone knows that deodorant is only meant for the mad sprint down the hall when Katie announces that there are extra treats in the breakroom.” Haha!
    I read your post before deciding whether or not to ride by bicycle to work! I almost did not – until I kept reading. Maybe I will also become a proud cycopath! LOL

  3. The agenda of the puppeteers to get us on them 2 wheel demons is getting out of control! If we didn’t bail out the big Bicycle conglomerates that drive our economy in 2008, and those pesky bicycle industry lobbyist lining the pockets of government officials on both sides of the aisle, we wouldn’t be in this mess! Don’t get me started on the false guise of going to war in The Middle East was about terrorism and nothing to do with that precious oil that keeps those dang bicycle chains lubed to keep our dependence moving forward. I steady stay fit doing curls in the spacious confines of f-450 dully on my 4 mile commute because socialism will never win, not with me behind the wheel. Period

    1. I kept telling people about the bike-chain luber gangs, but no one would listen. Thanks for your work, fellow rebel! May your revving f-450 engine convince others the error of their misguided ways.

  4. Ok I could stop myself from commenting here although I did already on Twitter.

    Like I said there I’ve seen first hand how bad things can go when you are on the bike and a minority on the road. It’s crazy to preach this “adventure” as a panacea to all your commute problems. It’s freaking absurd!

    Every single thing you said here makes sense and I think people sitting in some remote part of the US without having to be part of a formal corporate setting can preach whatever they want and expect their cult followers to follow suit. Sorry it ain’t happening.

    Like any other financial advice I read online, I am not gonna accept anything at face value. If that doesn’t suit my situation is going straight to the trash can!

    I think you’ve done an awesome job speaking your heart out and expressing not just your qualms with the advice but also substantiated why you think they don’t make sense. Kudos!

    Loved it!

  5. “Cycopaths” ha! This piece made me chuckle. I hope you and your ex-friend mend fences soon! I’m sure she’s learned the error of her ways.

  6. I love, love, love the IDEA of biking to work.

    Having said that – I no longer go to work.

    BUT – back when I had a job – I tried it………….once.

    I nearly got ran off the road no less than 5 times, had to stop to call the police to notify them of a shots fired incident in a park I was cutting through (so much for being one with nature), and because a BUNCH of other people also used to bike to my work and we didn’t have enough showers to accommodate demand, the urgency at which I showered, changed, and tried to make myself look presentable left me still vigorously sweating when I arrived at my desk.

    My overall well being (nor my blood pressure) was not improved in any capacity by this experience.

    I opted for an electric vehicle 🙂 and now ride my road bike on designated trails where I’m not competing for space (and my life) against semi trucks and distracted drivers operating 3000 pound weapons.

    Also – despite my own experience, I love this post and applaud anyone with the necessary courage to bike to work on the reg.

    1. I tried biking to work once when I first moved to this city, and it was the worst experience ever. I got lost, almost got hit, and felt like the ride took forever. If I had persevered I could have found a better route and figured out the city better. Eventually, I started biking when we moved and had a better path to work, so I get that if your route feels like semi trucks are driving you off the road, it’s not very fun. Now that you no longer go to work maybe you can find a bike path in your area for fun!

  7. One of those things that looks good on paper. Sure biking to work is a great idea. Get a workout, help the environment, save money, etc…Unfortunately, there are too many drivers who get irritated by cyclists and are real potential threat to your health and well-being. Not worth the risk in my opinion.

  8. Brilliant article to read on a Sunday morning 🙂
    I walk to work, but I do have friends biking and posting Strava stats and whatnot. I’ll explain them how things really are.

    “The important thing here is that if people in Europe do it, then it is probably SOCIALIST, and therefore evil.”

    Totally agree with this one :))

  9. I’m not sure why it took me so long to finally come over and read your blog—and I’m sure glad I did! What a great, clever take on biking.

    Vancouver’s a relatively bike-friendly city and becoming more so with time. I love seeing the progress, and hope we’ll one day see our cities become more like those in Europe.

    1. I’m glad you did too! There are studies that show that making biking safer drastically reduces the amount of cars on the road– and therefore traffic, pollution, and other less-than-savory aspects of our gas-guzzling cars.

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